Well folks, the time has come. Video game websites, blogs and people the world over are painstakingly determining which games of 2008 deserve top honors. I can only imagine the hours of strenuous playtime, the ven diagrams and the subsequent beating of spouses that must coincide with taking on such a task, but, for myself, for video games and for all of you, here we go.
We’ll be breaking this down into multiple categories (I’m so going there) so pay attention.
1. Best Survival Horror game based around a polymorphic alien infestation and starring an “normal guy in a fucked up situation” engineer.
The Nominees Are:
Dead Space
And the Award Goes to:
Dead Space
Accepting this award is Glen Schofield, Executive Producer for Dead Space at EA’s Redwood Shores Studio. “Thanks, thank you, you know when we set out to make Dead Space we really wanted to re-vitalize the genre. Really wanted to take it in a new direction, and we did just that by creating an awesome, over the top survival horror game based around a polymorphic alien infestation and starring an “normal guy in a fucked up situation” engineer. Now, I don’t want to say I thought we were a shoe in but I definitely knew we had a shot. Anyway, I want to thank EA, my friends my family and everyone else involved in the production of this game, thank you.”
2.Best Action RPG tirelessly over hyped by an aging, pretentious brit, slyly promising you the world and delivering Ohio.
The Nominees Are:
Fable II
And the Award Goes To:
Fable II
Accepting on behalf of Fable II is Peter Molyneux, Executive Director of Lionhead Studios. “Oh my, I ca…… I can’t tell you how proud I am. You know… you know what I’m going to do with this award? I’m going to commission a one-manned rocket ship, complete with plasma lasers, an ion cannon and a girl vending machine. Seriously, a vending machine filled with hot girls, and then I’m going to fly up into space, and put this trophy on the moon, on the fucking moon! Then I’ll take a bunch of pictures, and I’ll use my rocket to personally visit everyone who bought the game, cook them dinner, and give them a framed copy of my glorious moon landing. And I’m going to do it all in 3 months. Thank you.”
3.Best tactical espionage action game centered around a hopelessly complex, convoluted story line.
The Nominees Are:
Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots
And the Award Goes To:
Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots
Accepting this award is Hideo Kojima of Kojima Productions. “Thank you, I just wa….. oh fuck it, is there really a point? Will any of you really be able to understand what I’m saying? No, no you won’t. Because I’m a shit-load smarter than you. Addressing you as much as I have has probably lowered my IQ and will no doubt bring on a series of seizures that I’ll miraculously survive only after having my brother’s left pinky grafted to my right hand while bathing in the blood of a million hummingbirds. Genius.
4.Best new addition to a franchise that even if they simply filled cases with processed cheese and wrote the name of it in crayon every mindless person would still buy, and fucking love it.
The Nominees Are:
Grand Theft Auto IV
And the Award Goes to:
Grand Theft Auto IV
Accepting this award is the co-founder of Rockstar North, Dan Houser. “Wow, that’s great, that’s really….. great. Uuh, yeah we’re making a new one next year, you will buy it, you will like it and I will make money. It’s a good system folks let’s not screw it up huh?
5. Best game suited for public embarrassment, clouded reality and the completely false feeling of “hey, I might actually be a little cool.
The Nominees Are:
Anything with the word Guitar or Band in the Title
And the Award Goes to:
Rock Band 2
Accepting this award is Dan Teasdale, lead designer for Rock Band 2. Uh, what? You’re kidding…. Um, ladies and gentleman it appears I have some tragic news. Mr. Teasdale was crushed earlier this evening by a mountain of plastic guitar and drum peripherals. The poor guy didn’t even have a chance. Let this be a lesson to all of us, I’m looking at you Activision!
6.Best new addition to a franchise that started off great, seemed to hit a bit of a speed bump in the middle, and then rocketed straight back up to okay.
The Nominees Are:
Prince of Persia
And the Award Goes to:
Prince of Persia
Accepting this award is that one French-Canadian kid who I swear to god is twelve but somehow still convinced Ubisoft to let him produce a game. “Hello, I first want to thank my parents, for letting me skip school for the last 2 years. Um, I want to thank Ubisoft for their complete lack of verifying government paperwork, and of course the dev team, I couldn’t have done it without you. Thank you.”
Ladies and Gentleman, thank you for attending Don’t Panic’s first ever completely un-bias games of the year award show. I hope you found our program enlightening.
But Seriously…
LittleBigPlanet is my game of the year, the game is amazing, go buy it so I can play the awesome levels you’ll make.
Oh, and Don’t Panic.
Senua's Saga: Hellblade II follows closely in the original's footsteps, delivering an experience (albeit a stunning one) more than a game.
“It is a beautiful, incredibly poignant story that anyone should experience for themselves. That is why I mentioned in the headline how Senua's Saga: Hellblade II might be the perfect Game Pass experience. Even gamers who would rather prefer a more traditional game are very likely to be driven to play it since it will be on the subscription service on day one.”
Senua's Saga: Hellblade 2 starts incredibly strong in the first half, but after certain revelations, the story speeds up to a point where the conclusion feels rushed and half-baked.
Senua’s return is authentic to the original, only with more polish. The captivating and emotional story is thrusted forward with Hellblade 2’s hefty visuals and audio. The only thing letting it down is how repetitive some of the gameplay is.
OMF BIG BOSS G
Thanks for the laughs!
I know people lol'd. Epic.
Thanks for the comments, I'm glad you all enjoyed it! I'm shooting for a weekly sattirical update of some kind.
lol thank you for this